We're back with another Top 10 post, and this one is pretty much a dick move, bro. We asked the random people who pass through the Banana Stand which bands they assume are probably really good, but for one reason or another they just can't seem to give two shits about.
We'll attempt to determine just why the bands on this list are so fucking unimpressive to the people that hang out with us.
10. James Blake
The London-based minimalist musician is such a critical darling that the editors of Pitchfork would probably eat the dirty ass of a two-day-dead dog to feature an exclusive track on their website, but apparently some people find his songs to be boring as shit. Probably because they are.
9. Fu Manchu
This might be a joke refering to the fictional villain because that's something that the kind of jack-off fuck-faces with which we associate would do. In the case that it's not, it probably refers to the 1990s California stoner-rock band that pretty much blows. In the event that this was a joke, then this slot should be replaced with Metallica. Metallica sucks and you're a goddamn moron if you think otherwise. Ripping off Black Sabbath for four albums before turning into entitled pussies doesn't make a you great metal band, assholes.
8. Blonde Redhead
Blonde Redhead is only popular because they give indie record store employees the ability to fuck college chicks who are tired of getting banged to the same Broken Social Scene songs over and over and over again.
7. Of Montreal
If you're some emo-queer who likes feathers and crying about your sexual inadequacies in make-up, then apparently you get to make one album worth a damn. But replaying the same fucking drum-loop over layered falsetto isn't a career, it's just lame. And a series of stage gags, costume changes, and crowd full of teenagers on magic mushrooms doesn't hide the fact that your music is stale and you're a sad, old queen.
6. Band of Horses
After My Morning Jacket hit mainstream success they started experimenting with other sounds, none of which have been as poignant or popular. At least that band is evolving and trying new things. Unfortunately, a host of other bands decided to remain in a stagnant pool of reverb-laden shit. Fleet Foxes, Blitzen Trapper, and a bunch other bands could also be substituted here. Plus this happened, so now every 16-year-old girl with an acoustic guitar thinks she should post a video to YouTube covering one of Band of Horse's songs. Great.
5. The National
For some reason The National spend a lot of time making sure people will be really sad when they play their music. No one knows why, or what causes them to be popular.
4. The Black Keys
If you don't want to listen to The White Stripes for some ignorant reason, then you can pick anything from The Black Keys. It doesn't matter what album or song. It's all the same. Or you could listen to The MC5 or a dozen other bands that have actual balls.
Maybe it's because the band made a big deal about bucking the entertainment industry by releasing a pretty decent record under a pay-what-you-want system only to charge fans $10 for an EP full of material hardly worth a B-side. Maybe it's because Thom Yorke looks like a giant albino bat. Or maybe some people are just douches and hate anything that's popular.
Oh, I know. Let's just bang on some shit and make stupid noises and call it music. San Franscico hipsters love stuff like that. How fucking charming. Other bands that can go in this stuck-up-your-own-ass category are Xiu Xiu and that inbred retard Bradford Cox with his bands Atlas Sound and Deerhunter. Getting paid to masturbate on stage is probably pretty awesome, if you can get the work.
1. Arcade Fire
Look, Arcade Fire will never make an album better than their debut release. Get over it. The number of the people in the band compared to the simplistic sounds make the group juvenile at best and insulting at worst. Combined with ridiculous haircuts, ugly motherfucking clothes, and an idiotic “gee golly you guys the suburbs sure are uncool” vibe, the band is pretty much only around so that Connecticut housewives can lie to themselves about being hip while getting all nostalgic for when they snorted cheap coke and lived in an apartment.
Well, that's all we've got. Who would be on your list? Leave comments below and we can argue about why certain bands are worse than others. It'll be super worth everyone's time.
This post was written in jest. We actually really love all of the bands on this list and have paid to see them in concert. If you're offended by anything on this page, then you should probably get the hell off the Internet.